imnotintolabels' Journal

1:24am: Friends
I know I hardly ever post here, but I feel the need to get my thoughts out. Sometimes I feel so alone, I haven't really got anyone nearby to hangout with. I have no car, I just feel socially inept at times. Some of the friends I do have are sort of flaky when I am around hem they are nice and I feel included but the rest of the time they can't be bothered to talk to me, they only talk to me when it is convenient for them. I have always been a generous person by nature so usually I can't be that person to put my foot down and say no, I feel taken advantage of, and I am pretty sick of it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but at the same time I get sick of being that person who gives and gives and never receives anything in return. Sorry about my rant, it feels good to get things off my chest.

12:04am: So tommorrow I am going to phooson whoo-hoo. My friend won vip tickets so it is gonna be off the hook. Work is the same I do enjoy it but I feel inadequate quite often. Let's see the Rockies just kicked the DB's butts. I work early tommorrow urgh I hate getting up early! I gotta pick out my outfit for the concert. I can't wait to see Jordan Sparks my whole family is a huge fan of hers and also my friend says Allison Dubois is going to be there and the Jonas brother's, Enrique Inglasis and all kinds of awsome people. Also a bunch of carnival rides weeeee! Next month is vegas and my grandma is coming then we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, New years, and my birthday. I will be 22 geez I am getting old. I plan on going back to school next september I might as well go back I mean I have two years of college under my belt and I am in in debt so I might as well get into more debt. I am still saving up for a car god it takes forever between bills and my shopping sprees I will never get one. I am a little worried though about driving I am not the world's greatest driver and my vision affects and makes it harder to drive. Also i am not very confident.

New user pic Zac Effron my new addiction lmao.

10:46pm: numb
I still can't believe it. I mean sure I have been depressed but how can you take your own life? I wonder why I haven't cried, I knew her after all. She always seemed to have a pessimistic view of the world. I really don't know the story behind that, actually I don't know much about her at all. We weren't exactly friends, more like acquaintences, hell matt was her friend but then alisia told me matt hadn't talked to her god if that were me I would feel guilty as hell. You know I havent really talked to anyone in a long while I think I use my having no phone charger as an excuse. My friends probably hate me by now. I am just wasting away and then I hear this and bam. I feel lucky, lucky that I have parents who love me, and friends who care I think they still care anyways. Truth be told I dont really know anyone on my friends list on lj, the only one I have ever met in person is shay. I don't even know why I am posting this, but I am. I know what it is to be down in that place though, to feel alone, even when your surrounded by people who care. Amber cares, Melissa cares, and so does Frinza maybe, and Alisia too.
Lets see what else is going on my brothers friend got kicked out his parents are users and yeah we felt bad but you know I hate when people make you feel guilty about stuff that isn't your fault I think it is in my nature to care. My mom does so does my dad really. I still havent done jack about work or school I am just as lost as ever.
tata for now.

12:42am: blurry
Damn these eyes.

It is the end of the spooking hour as I sit here writing this up.
I am tempted to go and stuff my face, but I can't blow this diet, urgh.

Nothing much new to report things are pretty dull here in desertland.
I have been thinking a lot about my situation. And I keep putting off looking for a job. The truth is I want a job that I will actually enjoy and be good at. I also really want to travel, it just sounds so ideal. I know I would miss my family dearly but maybe one day I will get to. Visit all the beauty this planet has to offer, wow who knew I could be this deep?

As for school I guess it isn't meant to be for now, I never realized how much I relied on fate. There are reasons things happen. It seems that ever since I moved here I wasn't mean to attend school.

Here is to hoping that something worthwhile comes along.

P.S. wet floors and kitchen cabinets suck.

12:41am: numb
So 1am here.

So I have actually been pretty content with things considering, and then received the shock of my life when I learned my friends dad died of a heartattack on friday. If you could all put her family in your prayers it would be much appreciated. She was an awsome person and her family is really sweet. It feels weird when people you knew die.

It puts your life into prospective you look back at the things you did and didnt do and go why did I do that? I dont understand why the people we care about so dearly die so unexpectedly it is unfair, I can be selfish right?

And now once again freaking drama in backstreet land, i wish I could just say screw it and stop being a fan so much immaturity, jealousy, and hatred exists in this fandom.

Going to Houston in four days, why I dont know why but I am and I am soo excited:)
I am still jobless need one of those.

2:19pm: im in love


with this bathing suit.<3

8:40pm: So just today I got to thinking about some things. A bunch of interviews were floating around today and it is still a little weird knowing Kevin is no longer in the group. And people are obviously a little upset with him which I get and I was sad still am sorta I thought to honest to god when the rumor was confirmed it was all over but no they are going back into the studio I wonder how long that will last before everything crumbles? I can afford to bus down to tx for bri's show and I want it to be fun but I dont want to be a burden I feel that way often because I dont drive and all.
My month long trip which is wayy to long to be living with eight other people gave me a new prospective on things. I no longer crave to go back and visit or move back to colorado there isnt much there for me...sure I have friends but it just isnt the same I really wish I had someone to fall back on a good friend but I dont and it sucks. I have felt this way since college started or even before that I guess thats growing up and just my luck. Saw my nonexistant grandfather it was soo good for me to see him...but weird I wasnt very affectionate heck he was more affectionate to me. I was treated alot like a child there and I guess I sort am still. I quit all these jobs cuz I cant handle it or dont want to work. I have all these bills from college that I cant afford those financial aid people are no help at all. I hate money I hate being poor, I hate being average with no scholarships. I think it would be a mistake to leave college or ASU.

There is so much more crap I could write about in here. I have to get a job once I get back from texas...
I practically had to beg to get people wanting to travel elsewhere to see the fireworks for the fourth.
I want to move on from the guys you know cave in and do what everyone else says but its hard.

8:49pm: My first update in a longgg while.

I dont write here often mainly because there isnt much to update on. I am in a pretty anxious/pissy mood right about now. My vacation is fastly approaching I feel so guilty for going. Everyone I know is going to summer school getting a job I feel as though that is what I should be doing.

It has been almost a year since I moved here and I still dont have friends not really. The few that I have live far away or stopped talking to me. It makes me feel better to hang out with my brothers friends sometimes...

And then we have July and Brian. I want to go so badly I pray I can go it may break me is it worth it. Worth what little money I have in the first place. I wish my parents were rich, call me selfish. But atleast i have love when they arent driving me nuts. Sometimes I feel inadequete to everyone. I will not be throwing myself a poor pity tonight tho.

I know I need to do some growing up some I still try to ignore my money problems I just dont think its fair to feel this much pressure at my age and to see my parents suffering practically the same as the they did in CO. I need a job I dont want to screw up again and run away from it. I dont know if I will ever finish college everything seems against me...

And then I see all the fun people are having meeting the guys going on road trips and I dont have any of that. I wish I did. I want that to be me soo bad.
I just soo tired of things sometimes.

Series finale of charmed was on tonight sad to see it go.

7:24pm: What a day. Today has been crazy. I found out I got three A's on three papers, that was a shock! Then I got to talking with my dad about my financial aid situation and now I feel like such a racist!:( Because I dont think its fair that minorities get all these scholarships/grants and stuff for college and I cannot get squat cuz I am white. And now they are trying to make the star spangled banner in spanish, I wish I didnt feel the way I do, but I just do. Urgh. And my dogs got into a fight and my mom was like if Laika my older dog attacks Casey my lab then we may have to get rid of her cuz Casey may hurt/kill her next time. I love both my dogs so much, it makes really upset!:(
Finals are coming up and then freedom, and then Colorado. I dont think going back is going to make me all of a sudden happy, but it will be nice to visit a few people who actually care.

Also this whole Kaci/AJ bizz is getting old. Why cant people just focus on the music?

4:59pm: 420
I am so incredibly drained. School is stressing me out. I am going back to Colorado for a month, I dont know what to think about that, I am just worried noone will care to see me. I think people are sick of my self pity ways. I am driving away people with my depression. I cry for no reason, I feel all alone. Like noone cares, most of my online friends are just fake bitches. I am getting sick of my fandom I try to use it to feel this void inside.
People just piss me off for no good reasons, is it normal to feel these things? I am sick of the oh I am sorry not even my parents get it. It is like noone takes my depression seriously, they are always saying oh its no big deal we all feel this way sometimes. Maybe I just want attention is that to hard to ask? OH and whenever I mention a big tramatic event in my life people make it out to be nothing but it is something, that will affect me for the rest of my life. And I cant even tell the person who cares the most because I am afraid she wont believe me or tell my aunt and she wont believe me, its all just one big mess.
I realized it is no good to say this day is bad because it is the 13th aniversary of the guys being together, but what about Columbine, and the fact that people can be retarded and smoke pot?

2:59pm: blah
I really dislike how people discard their gum, eww.

In other news I am doing this diet thing, it sucks and I am all sore from one day of working out whats up with that? Schools going okay I suppose although my financial aid is screwed up as usual. Bio sucks and I feel asleep during two of my classes, it wasnt my fault honest.

Going to the fair on Saturday another day I cant sleep in. Parents are leaving for Vegas on Thursday without me

Nothing else to report.

12:03pm: dum dum dum....
So I am sitting in the computer commons starving to death. My partner for my education class was a no show cuz she was hung over....

I work again today, lets hope I dont cause the store another 700 dollars....
I have decided I need to go see a counselor.

I have also come to the conclusion that I am indifferent to god because I still believe in him and love him but I dont really like him at the moment because my life is so messed up right now.

I am sick of being single, of everyone saying itll happen just be patient, I have waited 20 years, I am tired of waiting of being alone, of not having people I can count on...

My online friends are boosting about how they talk to nick carter through messeges on myspace and the telephone, which I dont even know if its true or not...fans are pissing me off, I wish I had never discovered online communities, because people are dumb!

I hate how all these kids sit back and never study or do homework and ace tests, I think I am becoming dumber by the day.

People are nice here in Arizona I guess I have to many issues and am to busy to make friends with anyone.

Still hungry, still breathing.

10:53am: i love
I love how people can be so fake. I love how you can put so much effort into being friends with people, I love bsb fans, I love how people like to gloat about having connections to nick fucking carter, but most of all I love how people can change! I am over this pathetic high school melodrama. You talk to nick carter on aim big fucking deal, you make up stories to make it look like your best friends with him, whoo you’re so mature! I am over putting all this effort into being friends when you could care less because you’d rather have your little clique coughhighschoolcough I guess being friends with everyone is where I went wrong..

I am at a point where I don’t know who is really my friend and who is just pretending, you know what I am the sweetest gal around but if you think I am going to stand for this bullshit you are mistaken. Yes I can be a bitch, so I am really not in the mood for anyone’s sugarcoated bullshit anymore.
This is me being real, I am hurt, I am angry, and I guess at peace now that I have gotten everything out that I needed to say.

11:56am: birth
Well Ill be a monkeys uncle. Usually id post a blog on myspace, but I didnt feel like it, sometimes I hate that place! So Kacis going to Colorado, and I am stuck in Arizona just great, and I know the mall and everything, I am soooo tempted to fly out to Colorado damn times like these I wish I had friends and a car!

School started about a week ago I am already swamped with work...
I am living in an apartment now with two people I have never met and one that wont talk to me, aint life grand. On an up note, it is my birthday today.

The big 2-0, no longer a teenager!

I think I am the only person who posts about the big picture on these things, wish I had a simpler life...

Broncs lost yesterday, I was soo sad, and ready to kick some ass!
Am in major need of a computer, what a rip off eight cents to print one friggin page of paper, thats the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my life...

Havent made any friends here yet, I fear I wont ever but thats just how I operate, to paranoid I guess.
Still working at that dirty monopolizing store, hey its a job and I get paid and yea...

get to do the whole cake.happy birthday. present thangggg:)

im hungry,werddddddd.

2:36pm: Do I feel guilty I havent posted a blog here in months, no I dont. Do I feel guilty I havent looked at other peoples blogs, yes and I do apologize.

Myspace= Evil and addictive

Well my life right now is sort of complicated but not. I have a job at Walmart, and I am ofcourse dreading it, I hate work and I am afraid of failure! It hasnt started yet, I dont even know if I am officially hired, how retorted is that!

School, yea my stupid highschool hasnt sent my transcripts yet, I miss school a great deal. I am one of those people who really enjoys learning things but isnt necessarily the brighest, or the one who gets the A's!

Lets see, I plan on saving up for Karlies, woo!

I want another backstreet concert durn it, but a Kaci one would be cool too!

I guess thats it, family stuff is good, friend stuff is complicated, but good for the most part.

2:45am: OMG I am here again
So its practically 3am, another late night...and I have been about things, my life, how stupid I am to feel the way I do.
I dont feel exceptionally good at anything, I mean there has to be a reason im here and I really wanna know why! I am just to impatient I suppose...
I want my life to change, I want to find something I am good at and stick with it.
I want to be smart, successful and beautiful, I dont particularily feel this way about myself but its something to shoot for.
I need a job, I know this.
I want school, and I will have it soon.
I love my family, even if they drive me nuts at times.
I guess thats pretty much it.

12:29am: Life
Its my life and I can lie if I want too....
But I wont. Life is, well its not so great..
I have no job, I have no school, I havent many people I can truely count on, they are to busy being concerned with themselves...
Granted, I can be very selfish, but I want someone to be there for me.
Right now its not happening.
I hate to vent or whine but its true.
I am not upset its just the way things are.
My life is going down the drain everyones moving along except me...
I am on the computer way to much..I have bills to pay and no money...
I have weird people pm'ing fucking with my mind...
I have friends, but I dont...
I really hope people love and arent just faking it.
A friend, sort of, that I dont know well is in serious trouble please pray for him.
My familys great, my doggies are great, everyones fucking great but me...
Phew, Id say more but seeing as how people can view this I cant...
Bye for now
comment if you have the time or care.

12:09pm: Things I've Done In My Life...
sweet little survey!

(X) smoked a cigarette
(X) smoked a cigar
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
( ) been in love *sigh*
(X) been fired sort of
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone that didn't have them back
( ) been arrested
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher
( ) been to Europe
(x) skipped school/class
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Canada
(X) been to Mexico
(X) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire (my shoe... lol)
(x) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
() met someone in person from the internet (yay DLS people!)
(x) been moshing at a concert
() been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
(x) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work
( ) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
() been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) won a contest many
(x) run a red light no comment
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident
(X) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
() eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
() witnessed a crime
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country(not yet that's my next big journey probably)
() swam in the ocean not technically unfortunately
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
(x) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) laughed until something came out of your nose (snot)
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain its the best
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
() been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
() worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
() screamed penis in public
(x ) ate dog or cat food
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them( Well BsB lmao do they count as strangers now...)
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sung in the shower
( X) owned a little black dress
() had a dream that you married someone
() glued your hand to something
(x) worn the opposite sex's clothes (haha... dressing up like a backstreet boy is fun)
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs lots of times
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) not taken a shower for a week
(x) climbed a tree
(x ) had a tree house
( x) been scared to watch scary movies
(x) believed in ghosts
(x) worn an ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
(x) played chicken
(x) pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're pretty by a complete stranger
() broken a bone not technically
(x) been easily amused sure

12:22am: hey all
greetings from the land of the weird and retarded....
so okay i posed as brian awhile back so sue me???everyone else was i thought id join in but then something happened and it pisses me off cuz i think someone played me and posed as blondie....or it was really him dammit
my friend jo is convinced it was him shes a really cool girl sort of immature living in lala land real sweet though...
a month plus some till the concert my brother is being an ass as usual i have no job i am being my usual paranoid self wednesdays rebeccas bday its 1130 at night had a killer headache today havent found a job in this shitty place yet...
submitted for scp today crossing my fingers although itll probably end up dissappointing me i mean what would i say to them if i actually met them??? i mean with blondie i was in shock it got easier each time i met a celebrity whats the big fucking deal???
hes not my type anyway im so pathetic i need to meet a cute friend who is a boy with benefits....
okay im gonna attempt to get a life

4:50pm: long time no talk...
here i am live and kicking in good ole chandler arizona or as I like to call it hotbox usa! we just got our computer up, im thrilled as ever (note the sarcasm here) nothing remotely interesting has happened unless you count getting 21st row for the Phoenix show and buying two copies of the album! It would be so much easier if I could just say fuck it and run back to colorado with my friends...
amanda is having a girl i am so excited for her
monday i am getting my license changed and looking for a job...
ha funny thing I just found out about thor and I call myself a fan, pssh...
on a weird freakish note I got an invitation to be added as one of click fives friends, karmas really kicking me in the ass now...
also i just found out i cant win meet in greets cuz i wasnt a member of WW until after I bought my tickets...how ironic
nuff said love you all

1:00am: okay so carrie won yay...
its 1200am yay...
im gonna fucking miss my friends nay...
Arizona is like A mini LA I love it
hehe random thoughts nick drunk all over girls haha
im sick of being pasty
i need a car i need a job i need lots of stuff...
best song I heard today: medley weird al- backstreets back
that guy cracks me up...so sue me i was in a car for freaking 18 hours today...
hmm...i dont want to pack it is so so meticulous and i am the worst packer/folder/anything to do with organization
i just thought of something else id practically be the female version of nick my god that is a scary thought (minus im not a whore and couldnt sing good if my life depended on it) LMAO!
packin a house tommorrow, friends comin over to say goodbye...had a blonde moment thought a forward was meant for other people but really wasnt i really fucked that one up as always...i almost cried tonight im gonna cry tommorrow...

thats all for now hoorah for my crazy messed up life...

8:24pm: I officially give up on posting responses to peoples comments they keep not showing up stupid computer gives it a nice big hit...
OH so I pampered myself today I bought a belt it is CK and reversable, and some Guess sunglasses, and two disposable cameras... Ross Rocks...
hmm tommorrow is our garage sale hope I can make some money... so I take back everyone hating my hair they are just not used to it it is a big change... I am hoping my friend can stop by tommorrow or saturday tommorrow is her bday and she just got back from hawaii, lucky girl...
my grandma is here again maybe we can play some dice so i can kick some peoples butts again...
im hungrey my mom needs to hurry up and finish cooking!
guess thats all really...
post more when i have more to say...

5:32pm: Okay so here goes my day... woke up went to tinas my aunt who is a hairdresser spent two hours transforming my hair... it is red it is wild it is crazy it is so not me and it gives me an edge i love it no one else does they keep saying my head is orange and ill admit it bugs me but what can I do?? watchin AI result show tonight... the boys were on trl today number nine they showed a clip from wango tango it was soo cute...
turns out my mom has to pay even more money for our roof cuz of water damage...i may be going with my aunt and cousin to arizona on next monday we are havin a garage sale on friday and saturday i sure hope my friend alisia can drop by that is if she got my message... it is her 19th bday on friday... i have to finish making dinner tonight cuz my mom has to go babysit my cousins and my aunts three foster kids... lol i just made a joke one of my friends last names is foster... So next week is my last week here it is so weird and scary and exciting i am planning on postin a pic of a big rubber duckie asap... I really hope I can see or at least talk to some of my friends before we go... I am driving with my brother and cousin all the way to az... random thoughts my shirt matches my hair sort of!
guess thats it/all for now catch u all on the flip side...
Toodles...

10:48pm: PLEASE EVERYONE READ
I am so sorry that I havent responded to any of your entries things have been so hard and so crazy and I dont even know where to begin...
Okay first off I would like to vent about my so called friends (not any of u just a couple of my friends in good ole colorado):
Lets see Stephanie and Frinza... lets see stephanie never responded to my text about getting high hasnt called me or texted me or emailed me back about hanging out together before I move away...
Frinza: calls me when she wants to prank call me or when its convinent for her
They both cried the day we left college a bittersweet goodbye I didnt shed a tear call me cruel what have you...
Lets see... Rebecca what a sweet friend who never calls and it is understandable considering she is so busy and has seen god do amazing things in her life good for her but oh wait a sec she fogot one thing, me ha like she really gave a care about me this year... she cared more about herself and god and her new friends
Lets see Amber she is still a good friend far away and moving to florida in august she and i never were ones to talk on the phone much or contact each other anyways...
The rest dont matter they are to insignificant to mention
And then there is you guys you have all been nice even if I dont know you well i hope to get to know u all better once things calm down...
Lets see oh I found out something really depressing Nicks a binge eater I had no idea poor guy...
MY FAMILY what can i say i love em all problems yelling and all
I guess thats all for now thanks for all who read or cared to read.. I would say more but my head hurts and Ill be spending the rest of my time posting with my fellow dls'ers.
Love and Peace Jaime

8:46pm: so here i am home from college. I got back thrusday. On Friday I went camping and on friday night I got drunk for the very first time. I had two shots of bicardi 151 and four bicardi silvers and some apple snoapps (sp?) And then I flashed some people my friends and these two guys twice then I stumbled around and got a few bruises and then they all told me to shut up cuz I was talking and I was sort of getting depressed. Then I finally shut up and went to bed and then threw up all over in the tent and they got pissed at me but they didnt help me and i couldnt find my way out so what could i do? Then I woke up feeling shitty and then we drove to boulder and i bought some micky d's and then we came back and it snowed and stephanie and amanda got all cold and pissed off at andrea for being a slut around these icky immature guys and then they complained about being cold cuz they arent camping people like me I was just dandy so we packed all our shit up and left and then it stopped snowing just as we were leaving. And now its sunday and I did something else bad today I got high with my brother and my two cousins and drank again. We went and saw cursed it sucked it was way cheesy. I should feel bad but I still think I am a little out of it. And the only tripping i did was seeing them all stretched out on screen. we were gonna do another bowl but my mom came home. I feel as though I have changed a lot not being me cuz this isnt me u know?? And we are moving at the end of this month and I am going to miss my friends a lot. My friend alisia stopped by and my mom and her had a good talk and all is better between them i guess. I hope to see her and my friend Rebecca and her sister sarah before I leave Amber came and visited last weekend we hung out it was fun. Frinza called me today right before I went to a b-b-q ill probably call her back tommorrow.